Naturally Feminine or Annoyingly Flamboyant?

Let me start this post by saying I have no problems with fems. While in my younger days I was uncomfortable around guys who had a little more sugar in their tank, I since realized that was a reflection of my hang-ups about my own sexuality. In addition I feel that I fall somewhere in-between the scale of super-masculine and super-feminine. I'm not a man's man--I'm not into sports, watch Sex and the City, Girlfriends and The Golden Girls and prefer wine and daquiris to beer--but I don't rock lip gloss either.

With that said, in hanging around some gay guys I feel that some are acting out some role that they feel they must play as fems. Just as some of the more masculine gays feel they have to be thuggish and finish every sentence with "kno what I'm sayin," and "ya heard me" in order to be a "real man," I sometimes feel like fem guys, especially the younger ones in their teens, feel that they have to be ultra flamboyant and over-the-top.

Now it's my personal opinion that all men, whether they be gay, bi, or straight, have some feminine traits in them, just as all women have some masculine qualities. The only difference is that when men, especially black men express any sense of femininity we are looked at as weak and inferior, while women are simply labeled as tomboys. That is, as long as women don't exhibit too much aggression or ambition, or a commanding presence, which are often considered masculine characteristics. Then they're labeled as shrewish, domineering and emasculating (You saw what happened to Hilary last election.) Hence the basis of sexism. But I digress.

I also believe that some guys are just naturally more effeminate than others. But at what point does this become annoying flamboyance, an outrageous, shallow act designed to make oneself the constant center of attention?

A while ago me and friend of mine hung out with two fems who I'll call James and Jacob. One time we went to Wal-Mart to get some food, and both them decided to wear high heels for the occasion. However, the problem wasn't the high heels, but the fact that they were so loud the entire time we were in the store, especially James.

Every other sentence was "HEEEEEY GWARL, YOU NOT GON SPEAK TO ME?" "YOU ACT YOU DON"T KNOW ME?" or "OOOH GWARL LOOK AT THEM TRADES OVA THERE!" as they openly taunted straight boys in the store. They also expected me and my friend, as the trade, to foot the food bill when we went to Taco Bell, since they were queens and thus considered themselves ladies who should be taken care of. (Sidebar: If you want to think of yourself as a queen bee or chick, fine. But if you're dating me you betta be an independent chick. I'm just sayin'.)

Not to mention that their conversations usually consisted of three topics: food, sex and men. And it often went a little somethin' like this: James: "Ooh girl I need to get some good dick tonight. Find me a man so he can get me a Lexus or something. Then fix up some ribs afterwards." Jacob: "Yeah bitch. And I wanna thank ya."

I got flashbacks of Jacob and James when I was over at my man's house for his birthday and we were talking to this younger guy, who I'll call "David". David and the group he hangs out with do nothing but strut up and down the street all day, argue loudly about petty crap and start catty drama with anyone who even looks at them sideways. Now some of the guys are still in high school, so some of this can simply be blamed on youth. Hell at least they're out, which is more than I could say when I was 16 or 17. But they seem to have such a stereotypical and shallow understanding of what it means to be gay. Everything revolves around men, sex, clothes, hair and going out. There's more to life than good food, sex and fine men (although all three certainly have their place:).

My point is that if you're naturally feminine and a little flamboyant, then do you. But there's a big difference between being yourself and being obnoxious just so everyone can pay attention to you or feeling like you have to be a queen just because you're gay. Because ultimately that's just as confining as the closet you came out of.

Reflections on 2008

When I look back on 2008, I think about change. We saw the election of the first black President, an event that most of us though we'd never live to see. We also saw the collapse of the economy and homophobia and discrimination in its purest form with the passage of Proposition 8. It was year that seemed to mark the end of us vs. them politics and the "culture wars."

However, I don't think of change just because Obama drilled that word (and hope) into the national consciousness, but because it has occurred time and time again in my own life throughout the year.

My relationship status changed from boyfriend to single to boyfriend again. I escaped the domiciles of the damned (also known as on-campus living) and settled into an apartment. And I finally decided to follow my gut and ditched private piano lessons to make voice my major instrument for my music performance minor degree.

On a deeper level, I think in '08 I finally began to truly express my emotions and share more of myself with people. For years my goal in life was to not feel anything--joy, sadness, anger, nothing--because to feel anything hurt too much. I just wanted to be numb, and an emotional wall and a steady supply of weed more than helped me accomplish that goal. But over the past two years, I realized that the more I allow myself to feel emotion and not run from it, the happier I've become. In other words, I've feel like I've come full circle.

Change not only happened to me however. One of my friends is about to become a father and has gotten a place with his baby mama, while another one has moved to Houston and gotten his own place. Everyone's either in a relationship, employed (or both) and seems to be moving forward with their lives. All this has made it harder for us to get together, a big change from a few years ago when we'd spend almost everyday together. But change is a part of life. Sometimes it can be scary, as is the case with my impending graduation next year. But ultimately I think we need it. Change shakes us out of our comfort zone, makes us reexamine who we are, what we believe and what we want out of life, and helps us move into the next phase of our journey.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year. See you in '09.

Good Hair, Bad Hair

You already know what I'm talking about. I'm sure every black person has at one point of their life heard phrases such as "Lakeisha know she got naps in that kitchen," "Gwarrl you got good hair," "That bald heffa' know that's a weave. Swinging that mess around like that's her own," or my personal favorite "I got Indian in my family."

After getting into several spirited debates with my man's cousin about why black folks' natural, kinky hair is bad and silky smooth relaxed hair is good, I decided to probe this subject further. Why are we as black people so hung up on hair?

Of course like anything else, our obssession with buying pound of packets of horse hair and relaxing those kinks has it roots in racism. Along with lighter skin and small waistlines, European culture idealized straight hair as beautiful and desirable, while African hair was seen as ugly and impossible to tame. Since slavery until the present, the results of this attitude have been felt.

Think about it: Every major black female celebrity, from Beyonce to MJB rocks weaves or uses relaxers. Every chick in a rap video has a 10 inch head of hair from the swap meet. Most of the iconic black hairstyles, with the obvious exception of the afro, are relaxed hairstyles. Hell even Frederick Douglas grabbed a hot comb every now and then. And those of us who grew up in the South know good and well that if a black women wants to get a good job, she better grab a Dark and Lovely box first.

Now personally I don't care if people wear their hair natural, straightened or wear weave. It doesn't negate their blackness or make them less "down." (I've been know to get a Dr. Miracle touch up now and then my damn self. I like to try new looks;). But what troubles me is the attitude that if black hair is not straightened and flat ironed to perfection, it's not beautiful or "good." I always hear "well straight is more manageable."

Well that's because you've been frying your scalp since you were nine and only know how to manage relaxed hair. If you grew your hair naturally, you'd learn how to take care of natural hair. Another argument is "black hair doesn't grow." Ever seen someone with dreads? It grows baby. You just have to take care of it.

My point is that dreads, twists, braids, and wavy curls can be just as beautiful, elegant and sophisticated as relaxed hair, and one style shouldn't be elevated above the other as an ideal of "real" blackness or beauty. Like Andre 3000 said, "Is every nigga with dreads for the cause? Is every nigga with golds for the fall? Naw so don't get caught up in appearance...."

Sexuality 101

Got a story to tell ya'. Like to hear it? Here it go. I was at the mall one day with two of my fag stags(for the uninitiated, that's straight guys:), when they spotted some girls they wanted to run game on. While they're babbling about the usual stuff (i.e. where you from, how old are you, what you school you go to, etc.) two of the girls reveal that they're lesbians.

Undeterred and perhaps emboldened by their revelation, visions of lesbian sex dancing in their hands, my friends soldiered on, while still honing in their other friend, who was straight. Anyways, one the girls examined my braids and asks me who does them.

When I say the words 'my boyfriend' you could've driven two 18 wheelers through their mouths. A flurry of responses and questions followed. "For real?" "You gay" "You lyin'." and my all-time favorite "You too pretty to gay."

Why do women, particularly black women, ALWAYS say that? I wanna know what kind of trolls they're hanging around because most of the gay guys I know are a lot of things, but ugly ain't one of 'em. But I digress. What tripped me out the most wasn't the questions, because I've heard them a thousand times, but that most of them were coming from one of the lesbians! She told me I should at least try a woman, and I'd changed my mind.

I wanted to say 'Girl, how are you gonna be deep sea diving in another girls' hotbox and turn around and imply that being gay is a choice?'. Not that being gay is all about sex, but you know what I mean.

Truth be told I really don't think that girl was truly a lesbian. She explained her reason for having a girlfriend was because she didn't trust boys(or something to that effect) and the fact she was asking questions to which she should already know the answer. At the very least she's probably bisexual.

Her girlfriend, pure butch through and through, only asked what was my boyfriend's name. *Sigh* I guess sometimes even "family" needs to be educated and illuminated.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly: Video Game Movies

Hollywood sees dollar signs in almost anything, and video games are no exception. Here's a list of the video game flicks that make you love the game even more, or make you curse the day the developers put down the joysticks and picked up a script:

The Good

In 1995 Mortal Kombat was a cultural phenomenon, so it was only right that it be captured on celluloid. While it wasn't Oscar worthy material, Mortal Kombat was a great combination of action (The Scorpion and Johnny Cage fight scene was a beast:) and storytelling.

Resident Evil

Yeah I know the sequels weren't as good (when are they ever), but first Resident Evil flick was fire. I loved Michelle Rodriguez as the tough chick slaughtering zombies left and right, even though she to a bullet to the dome in the end. The movie also did a good job of staying close to the tone, if no the storyline of the Resident Evil games.

Silent Hill

In my opinion, Silent Hill is one of the best video game movies. An engrossing story, fantastic effects and insane death scenes (I remember the whole theater gasped in shock when that girl couldn't make it into the church in time and got her skin ripped off.) Good Times, lol.

The Bad

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

It was all good just a movie ago. Mortal Kombat Annihilation is one HOT MESS of a film from start to finish. First off whose idea was it to give Raiden, the f*cking god of thunder, a buzzcut? Second, who designed Baraka's mask? It looked like something you pick up for .99 cents next to the bootlegs at a gas station. Not to mention all the cheesy deaths and anti-climatic ending.


Street Fighter




















Another example of bad casting. Who decided Raul Julia should play the evil incarnate that is M. Bison? Bison is supposed to be larger than life (literally) and the embodiment of evil. I mean he killed my girl Chun-Li's dad for goodness sake. Besides that the movie, had no plot, too many characters and just plain sucked.


The Ambomination


Super Mario Bros.

Mention the words Super Mario Bros. movie to any self-respecting video game fan and watch as their face contorts into a mixture of horror and exasperation. Yes this movie was so bad that I haven't even needed to see it to know the travesty that takes place in those 90 minutes. Those faces don't lie. The Mushroom Kingdom is way too surreal for a live action flick, not to mention the fact that Princess Peach was dumped for Daisy instead. But I digress. Maybe in animated, 2-D world this movie could've been a classic. But that's the way the Yoshi cookie crumbles.

Warning to Studios: Don't Make These Games Into Movies

Zelda:Ocarina of Time

Star Fox

Metroid

Sonic(unless it's animated, LEAVE IT ALONE!)

Defining Yourself

Last night I watched the Escape From Jonestown special on CNN. The show detailed the events that led to the tragic mass suicide and murder of 900 people, and interviewed survivors about their experiences and how they come to terms with the time spent there.

For most people my age, the Jim Jones scandal is known only in reference to someone "drinking the Kool-Aid" when others think they're blindly following a politican or religion.

But ultimately what I took away from the special was something much deeper. The main reason why 900 people took their own lives and murdered innocent children was because they allowed someone else, in this case the "Reverend" Jim Jones (who didn't even drink the damn Kool-Aid), to define who they were. They surrendered their individually and intelligence to a man that used any and every resource in his power to control their minds, bodies and souls.

While it is unlikely that any of us will get caught up in something like the Jonestown incident, many of us experience something similar on a smaller and less violent scale daily.

Think about it. How many times have you allowed others to dictate your opinions, what you wear, how you should speak, who you should date, what school you should apply to, what job you should take? How many instances have you denied or hidden some part of yourself( a personal interest, your spirituality or sexuality) so you wouldn't make waves?

I'm not saying we should never listen to the advice or tips friends and family give us about our lives, because it can be helpful. But where does the line between taking advice and allowing others to define you begin and end?

So I guess my point is that at the end of day(who thought up that phrase lol:) no one has to live your life but YOU. Seeking out others' approval will never bring you happiness or a sense of identity. Advice is good, but ultimately you have to know who you are and what you believe in. This requires introspection and critical thinking, two things that those who seek to control others want to stamp out. And what would you do when all those people who you let define you go away? Who will you be then?

A Bittersweet Symphony

November 4, 2008.
A day that I'll tell my younger cousins, nieces or nephews ('cause I'm not havin' no kids, but that's a separate post) about. The day that a black man officially entered 1600 Pennslyvania Ave, a.k.a. the White House. The day when it seemed like America finally acknowledged its own diversity and sought move beyond divisive racial issues. As a black man, I couldn't be prouder.

But as a gay man, my joy is tempered with a hint of sadness. While the numbers haven't been fully calculated, it's more than likely that California voters will choose to eliminate the rights of their LGBT citizens by approving Proposition 8, which will define marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Amendments have also been approved in Arizona and Florida, while gay couples' adoption rights have also been stripped in Arkansas.


To add insult to injury black voters voting overwhelmingly in favor of Proposition 8, with 70 percent of black voters saying yes.

I'm sure the mainstream organizations will be quick to blame the measure's passage on black homophobia, which is partly true. However blacks only make up about 6 percent of California's population, so even if 100 percent voted no, it would still have a good chance of passing.

I think the problem is two-fold.

One: We as black gays are invisible in many of our communities. We live in silence, afraid to come out to our friends and families, staying quiet as church mice when preachers blast us and blame us for AIDS and the barbershop council dismisses us. If we want things to change, we have to come out and declare ourselves worthy of respect and dignity. The best defense is an offense. People's hearts and minds change once they personally know someone who is gay. They are forced to confront their fears, their prejudices, and their own conscience.

Two: Mainstream (i.e. mostly white) gay organizations have to make more of an effort to reach out to the black community. Regular inclusion of black gays would be a nice start. Working with the National Black Justice Coalition, a black gay organization, would've also been good. Hell, recruiting Michael Eric Dyson to speak would have earned some cool points. I mean it's hard to educate blacks on why they should support your cause if the face of gay rights almost always looks like this:

OR THIS:

The lack of black faces in gay rights groups only fuels the myth that gay=white. As long as the look of LGBT leadership remains lily white and black LGBTs remain invisible, the conservative segment of the black community can still sail along on the sea of denial that gays don't exist.

Translation: We need to get our sh*t together.

With all that said, I love Will & Grace, so no shade against Will with that pic LOL!