A Heathen And A Saint: Can Christian/Atheist Romances Work?

"Be not unequally yoked." That was a phrase I heard often growing up in church, particularly during those "True Love Waits" sex/relationship sessions when they separate the guys and girls from one another. While there we discussed the perils of pre-marital sex, masturbation, pornography and of course.....the evuuuls of homosexuality and lesbianism! *cues Psycho shower scene music* And forget about mentioning protection or STDs, cause every single teenager always remains abstinent until their wedding night with their equally inexperienced spouse.

If you've sat through one of these things, you know the deal: you basically sign a pledge/promise to take your libido out to pasture and shoot it until you find that virtuous man/woman and get married. Or slip up and have a prom night baby and beg forgiveness, whichever comes first.  Unless you're gay, of course. Then it's time to get on those knees and pray the rainbow demon flees your spirit!  I swear, sometimes I felt my inner Bea Arthur bubbling up inside, wanting to scream "Condoms Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!" But I digress.

While I've since discarded most of these teachings, I'll admit the aforementioned biblical quote does have a certain ring of practicality to it. A person's religious beliefs, or lack thereof, usually serve as the foundation for their entire worldview, affecting attitudes and perceptions toward birth, death, sickness, suffering, money, sex and love. Can two people form a lasting, genuine connection when they disagree about something that is often so central to who they are? Perhaps they could. While some atheists are militant, aggressive anti-theists ala Christopher Hitchens, most could be classified as secular humanists who have a live-and-let-live attitude towards religion. And for every Fred Phelps, there's a liberal believer who is open to different points of view.

So for my non-religious/atheist/agnostic readers, would you ever date someone who is religious or is it a faith-breaker? And for my religious folk, could you date someone that didn't believe in God? Or what if you both started out as non-religious/religious, both one of you deconverted/converted during the course of the relationship? How would you react?

Discuss.

Negro Please! Celebrity Edition

 

It's been a while since I've had the misfortune of reading/hearing anything asinine enough to qualify for The Negro Please Award, but after reading Tyrese's remarks on relationship and cheating, I think it's time to bestow this award upon a new recipient. Of course Tyrese was already was on my diss list because of past homophobic incidents involving the humiliation of a male concertgoer and moronic tweets telling male R&B singers to put some bass in their voice. But this just takes the patriarchal cake.

While on Wendy Williams promoting his self-help book TK, the singer basically told his female readers that men will screw you over, so deal with it.

“I don’t have all the answers [for why men cheat], but I can say that most mothers raised their daughters to believe that if you cook, clean, thoroughly take care of your man and go all out for your man, that should keep him home. Unfortunately that’s not the truth, but I will say to my daughter when she gets old and starts dating is, if you end up being cheated on, don’t own the cheat. Don’t make the cheat yours. It’s something in that skirt and those legs and whatever the case may be, and [he] decided to dip off. Does he see the value in his woman at home? Yes, but if he ends up dipping off, that spaghetti couldn’t keep him at home.”

I have to agree with the statement that women (or anyone for that matter) shouldn't take responsiblity for their partner cheating. But of course the same get-out-of-cheating free card doesn't apply to women. When asked if he forgive infidelity from his wife, Tyrese responded:

"No way. See, it’s expected of men to cheat, even though all men don’t cheat. I can’t just generalize and say all men cheat, but it’s expected because it’s a part of our upbringing[...]no listen if your in high school or in college, if one dude has sex with ten different women he is a hero, he’s the champion of the campus. If one woman has sex with ten different guys, they’re all kind of things in the book right?[…]Its just a part of what instilled in us growing up.”

Me thinks someone's watched Ray a few too many times. Not every woman is B (and even she read Ray and threatened to leave with the kids at the end). This attitude does a disservice to men and women. First of all, all men don't cheat. But following this logic, men are just hapless victims of biology and tradition, doomed to dip their nether regions into any pair of open legs they come across. "Oh I love my wife/girl, but, oh no, there's a chick in a tight skirt in front of me. MUST. POP. HER. CHERRY!" And men who already have doggish inclinations will have the perfect excuse for their behavior. While I agree that most men are raised with this attitude, that doesn't make the behavior that manifests because of it right. Tradition is not synonmyous with morality.

Women on the other hand, will have to deal with a "Ho-until-proven-otherwise" attitude, because the minute she cheats or has more than three or four sexual partners, she automatically becomes no better than a backalley prostitute in the eyes of men like Tyrese. It's the classic double standard: men are allowed to "sow their oats," but women are expected to not so much as touch a vibrator until the white knight (or heavily muscled light-skinned man--I see you Ms. Perry) that pastor has promised them will come finally shows up (and he may still cheat, if Tyrese is correct).

But then again I don't know why I'm surprised: I've witnessed plenty of guys who play their girlfriends like Atari, but declare all out war if she's even suspected of creeping. Don't get me wrong. Cheating is cheating (although every couple's idea of what constitues cheating varies). It doesn't matter who does it, it still sucks. But this idea that women are just supposed to dismiss indiscretion under the guise of "letting a man be a man" is just bullshit. Watch the tomfoolery below.

Much Ado About Barebacking...

I know that this is a sensitive and loaded issue. And it should be, especially in the black gay community: according to CDC statstics, young black men who have sex with men (MSM) ages 13 to 29 accounted for more new HIV infections  than any other racial or ethnic group.

With that very important fact said, would you ever participate in bareback sex? I'm not talking about a one night stand with some twink you just met at the club or a kat daddy you feel "so in love with" after a week two dates. Or a slip up caused by too much alcohol or just thinking with the wrong head in the heat of passion. In those cases, you better lock it down like Fort Knox and get tested ASAP (and get tested again a few months down the line, just to make the virus didn't escape detection).

But what if this is someone you've been with for 5, 10, 15 or 20 years? Someone who has proven himself to be faithful, loving and honest (meaning that you know his whole sexual history and he knows yours, and you both have the test results to prove it). It's highly unlikely that straight couples who've been together for decades still use condoms. I am aware that gay/bi men who engage in anal sex have a higher risk for infection than hetero couples, but they still assume the same risks when they stop using protection. So, would you take that chance?

Discuss (And I know my invisible readers have some opinion on this topic, so speak up).

Lovers and Friends...

Anyone who has ever been a relationship knows the moment things become serious, tension with close friends can start. As you and your significant other grow closer and spend more time together, creating your own intricate language of code words and inside jokes, your friends might start to see you as becoming distant, having less time to hangout, and or, as some in my circle succinctly put it "You don't fuck with us anymore."

Since my first serious relationship was a long distance affair, I really didn't have to deal this fact. But since me and my current boyfriend have gotten closer, this fact has become increasingly clear. Two friends in particular feel I have less time for them and don't hangout as much as I used to. I'll admit this is true. It's difficult to balance close friends and maintain a romantic relationship. I'll also admit that a flaw of mine is that I tend to focus my attention, emotions etc., on those I come in constant contact with. In other words, if someone is not part of my daily job/sex life/side interests then I tend to communicate with them less. It isn't out of malice or anger. If anyone of these people were in danger or fell ill I'd be at their bedside in a heartbeat. But this is a flaw nonetheless.

With all that being said, a friend of mine recently spent a weekend in the hospital with swollen arms. He's also part of the community choir I'm in. Since he was absent for both events we had to sing at, everyone in the group called his cell phones and tried to text him. I ran into his brother at church and he had no idea of his whereabouts either. Finally he texted a choir member yesterday about his two-day ordeal. Being concerned, I called his phone, which he actually answered for a change. His response to my questions about how he was doing were cold and confusing. He said I called "too late", despite the fact that only his mother, who lives in California, was the only one who knew what happened. After he said that I "needed to hang out with my new family," (i.e. my boyfriend and other choir members) in a dismissive tone. Needless to say, I was highly pissed off and responded with a simple "Alright," and hung up before I said what was really on my mind.

Now like I've said before, I'm not always the best at keeping in touch. But communication is a two-way street. And over the past few months, his side of the road has gotten some deep-ass potholes and speed bumps. Everytime I've called this person, they don't pick up and never call back. I text them to find out what's going on with them, they never responded. I attempt to chat online, with no response. This person also has their own significant other, yet whenever I ask how their relationship is going and ask about things I've heard through his brother (who's also a friend of mine), I get shallow, indirect answers. It's like he doesn't trust me anymore. I'm not asking he divulge every detail of his day, but it seems a wall has been built up.

However, whatever's going on in his life is no excuse for what I was met with on the phone yesterday. Granted we may not hang out all day every day like we used to, but I still have love him and really don't know why he's pulled away from not only me, but the rest of our mutual friends and his family. As I said before, he's also in a relationship and said he understands that our friendship would change somewhat since we have other stuff going on.

I guess my question is how does anyone else handle the tension that occurs when you try to maintain friendships and a relationship?

Leave comments please and don't hold back.